I am not okay.

I have been saying this so many different ways to so many people for so many months, but I feel like maybe it’s just not being heard. Maybe because I look like I’m functioning on the outside, people don’t believe me or think it’s as bad as it is. Maybe they’re too busy with their own stuff, because the Lord knows how much the people in my life have been going through in their own journeys as well.

I don’t know what the reasons are, but I have reached the point where I am unequivocally saying I am not alright.

It’s 4 AM and I can’t sleep because I got woken up at 1:30 because my ceiling was leaking and threatening to burst all over my living room. In the rush to protect our possessions and solve the problem in the middle of the night, I did not act like my best self (not an excuse, just the current state of affairs) which resulted in a lengthy conversation with my husband about how I can’t keep doing this.

“This” is living.

Before you get TOO alarmed, know that I already go to therapy and have never once considered self-harm by the grace of God. It gives me the heebie jeebies, so this is NOT a suicide note, BUT, it is me baring my soul in the hopes that it will help somehow because I am at a loss.

I don’t want to do this any more.

Did you know that I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 4.5 YEARS? If you’ve followed our journey for any length of time you may remember me asking for prayers for sleep a long time ago, and maybe you thought it resolved itself. It hasn’t. I just stopped talking about it because no one likes a whiner and nothing has helped.

Did you know that I am in almost constant, chronic pain? I suffer from pubic symphysis disfunction that started during pregnancy and hasn’t yet resolved in spite of being in physical therapy the past 10 months due to me also suffering from hypermobility. While I may be making baby steps of progress, that’s 2.5 years of pain with no end date.

I am exhausted. We have been sick for six weeks in which my healthy habits have been thrown out the window. I can’t get babysitters because I don’t want to get anyone else sick (and the one person who did watch him got sick, so that only makes me feel even worse!) I can’t take a break so I just have to keep plugging along. The one paying job I do has left me with 2500 photos to edit before the next paying job gives me 2500 more, but this can only be done when I’m not watching Hananiah and since there are no sitters that means while he sleeps. I’m still recovering from being sick myself, so in my head I want to work during his naps, but more often than not I’m eating lunch and napping because that’s all I can do. Then at night I’m trying to cook dinner, pick up my house, create meaningful connection with my husband, volunteer at the college, and squeeze in photo editing.

We just replaced our floors because of mold and now our ceiling and walls are full of water (pipes burst – freak accidents just happen) and all the things I wanted to salvage from water damage are in the corner of my living room so when my tiny ball of energy wakes up in an hour or so I don’t know how to keep him from terrorizing our house while cooking him a nutritious breakfast and remaining calm and loving and patient.

I’m so tired.

I just want to sleep, but my racing mind can’t do that, and, honestly, I don’t want to wake up.

I don’t want to keep trying.

I don’t want to keep being loving to people who have hurt and betrayed us. I don’t want to have to raise my son right and know he could still choose to do everything wrong because free will is a thing. I don’t want to keep attempting to take care of my body when it only seems to be failing me. I don’t want to engage college students and point them toward Jesus when I spend my days watching them disrespect the spaces and people around them. I don’t want to go another day reaching out again and again to different people in my life, praying for genuine intimacy and friendship and help, only for them to be too busy because that’s the culture I find myself in. I don’t want to do it.

And you know what sucks? I’m going to anyway. I am going to put a smile on when my sweet, wonderful, little boy wakes up because he deserves a mom who loves him well. And I’m going to keeping putting one foot in front of the other, even if it slowly kills me to do so, because I’m not dead yet so apparently I have to keep walking.

I don’t have a witty remark or hopeful Bible verse to share here. I’m not stupid. I know what God’s word says and I know He’s real. I know other people have it so much worse than me and my life is a walk in the park compared to so many people. I know.

But what I don’t know is how to keep doing this.

I’m not okay.

Will you please pray for me?