It’s not because nothing has happened or that I didn’t want to even. Mostly, life and ministry were busy, then I got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant again with a more difficult pregnancy, had a baby with multiple health needs, dealt with postpartum depression, made the gut-wrenching decision to move across the country to a place I swore I’d never return to, proceeded to prepare for said move with baby and husband, and sat here and watched any and all potential hopes for this new life fall apart around me. In short, life happened.

So when people ask how we’re doing, my instinct is to say terrible. Nothing is how I want it right now from the bed I’m sleeping on to the location we’ve landed and every door we attempt to walk through for jobs or housing just gets slammed in our faces. We are desperate for God to move or show us how to move and He just keeps saying…

“WAIT.”

But oddly enough, I didn’t come on here to rant. I did want to be transparent about what we’re going through because I think I’m not always forthcoming about things like that. What I wanted to share with you was how futile that kind of thinking is and how God is trying to do a new thing on our lives even as we complain about Him not doing anything.

As I read my Bible the other day it just hit me. We’ve been thinking the Lord was waiting for us to learn something before He progressed us in His plan. Like there’s some unknown something that we just need to figure out and then we’d be in the clear. So we’ve discussed what we thought we’d already learned through our month of Sabbatical and Simon growing out of anger and into encouragement and all sorts of lessons that just had to be the thing…right?

But what if it wasn’t something new we had to learn?

The Holy Spirit convicted me that I (personally – I can only speak from an individual revelation) don’t have something “new” to learn, but rather I need to become the person He’s already called me to become because, until that happens, I won’t be ready to properly love and serve the people and places that lie ahead. If I can’t be faithful in a space where nothing is required of me but to love my husband and son and steward my time and resources well, then how on earth can I do those things well with a church community to love on too?

And it got me thinking, maybe I need to get back to this too. Maybe someone out there needs to read something like this and be reminded that there is ALWAYS work to be done, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And not the kind work that adds to an already overfull plate from a busy life (because, let’s face it, I’m a stay-at-home mom of an active, sensitive toddler boy…it doesn’t get much more exhausting than that.) Rather, the work of surrendering expectations of what we think we want in life to the reality of our life and doing it well. How can I be a better wife? How can I be a less distracted mother? How can I connect with the community I do have even if it’s not the one I want to have? How can I care for my body that I’ve neglected with one too many excuses? How can I use my gifts to love and serve others right here and now? These are the questions I’ve been asking this past week and I’m realizing the answers are actually obtainable. Like I can do things every day a little bit differently that allow me to honor Jesus and others more than the day before…it’s crazy!

So how are we doing? Well, we’ve gotten to spend more time with family than we have in years and it’s been pretty special. Simon’s playing church softball for the first time in over a decade so that’s super fun. We go to the park daily because, even though we live in the middle of nowhere, there is miraculously a park 5 minutes away that we almost always have to ourselves. We have a car that came with an incredible God story (check out our Facebook pages to hear about it) and they threw in a custom plate with it so we can use our car to spark all kinds of conversations that lead to Jesus (YouTube: Rat Park Ted Talk – it’s how we do church.) We’re eating healthier than we have in months and are so thankful for the means to get good food to fuel our bodies. And we fall in love with our little guy and each other more every day.

I’d say were doing pretty great.

– – – – –

I’ve been reading through the Bible in a year and am currently in Psalms and this verse struck me so much this morning. It’s talking about how the Israelites were saved by God and left Egypt praising Him for all He did. “But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to unfold.” Psalm 106:13

I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to feel pressure to make something happen because I can’t wait for the Lord’s plan to unfold in my life. I don’t want to become bitter and ungrateful as soon as life doesn’t go my way. I don’t want to spend my time complaining about what I don’t have rather than praising God for what I do have. His ways are not our ways, but they are SO MUCH BETTER. It doesn’t always feel that way, but I’m not going to forget all that He has done while I wait to see what’s ahead. I may not have a clue what the future holds, but I know He has always been faithful, so I can be faithful with what a do know and what I can see, and trust Him with the rest.